This course draws on many teachings from a wide range of sources in order to offer a pathway of learning and growth that will lead to a more fulfilling life.
We draw on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to help form the basic structure of this course. Maslow’s Hierarchy (also known as his Pyramid) describes needs shared by everyone from physiological needs for survival to self-actualizing needs for self-expression and manifesting a sense of purpose.
The course is presented in four sections that progressively address needs at each level and provide teachings, tools and exercises that help deepen participants understanding of themselves and how they can transform themselves to meet these needs. Each section is a gateway to deeper learning and growth.
Gateway
Name
Purpose
Maslow Level
Key Skills
#1
Waking Up
Develop deeper self-awareness
Safety and Survival
Mindfulness
#2
Cleaning Up
Develop deeper self-acceptance
Community and Connection
Social Skills
#3
Standing Up
Develop healthy self-esteem
Self-Esteem
Emotional Maturity
#4
Showing Up
Manifest self-actualization
Self-Actualization
Background
In 1943, Abraham Maslow introduced a way of seeing humanity. He was interested in what motivated people and described the essential needs that all people share, the most important of which was the need to survive, to be able to breathe, eat, sleep and simply exist. As I write this in mid-March, 2022, millions of people in Ukraine are simply trying to survive the onslaught of the Russian army. Some are trapped in the city of Mariupol in south eastern Ukraine, surrounded by Russian artillery that has pounded their city into rubble. They have no food, no water, electricity and are desperate to simply survive.
Millions of their countrymen are displaced from their homes and moving westward through Ukraine into the neighboring countries of Poland, Hungary and Slovakia. They have lost their homes and their livelihoods but at least they are being offered food and shelter along their way. They feel the chaos in their lives and are desperately seeking safety… a stable place to live, work and get on with their lives.
These two groups of people are existing in the first two levels of Maslow’s Pyramid, the Survival and Safety levels. Once they find a stable place to live, they will restart their lives, reach out to family, friends and fellow countrymen as the connect and build their own community, manifesting what Maslow described in his third level of needs: Connection.
Over time, many will heal the wounds of war and find a meaningful life in a new home. They will seek and find a sense of meaning that will arise from the work he does and the relationships they will build. Maslow described this group as seeking Self-Esteem.
In the Ukrainian war there have been many heroes, but a single person who was a comedian who mocked the president of Ukraine and then became president himself. Volodymyr Zelenskyy has become a world-wide hero as he has defied Russia’s Putin and organized a resistance that is irritating Putin more than Luke Skywalker pissed off his father, Darth Vader. Zelenskyy found something within himself that has inspired him to become to become a modern day David to Putin’s Goliath. Zelenskyy has found Self-Actualization, the top level of Maslow’s Pyramid.
This course is about navigating the road-blocks and rubble of your life and helping you along the path to self-actualization.
Next Offering & Cost
The next offering of The Four Gateways will begin on Wednesday, June 29, 2022 at 6:30 PM Pacific Time. We will meet at the same time every two weeks for a total of ten meetings.
The course costs $750 USD if paid in full before the course begins. If you want to spread the payments over time, you can pay $200 to register and $200 at the beginning of June, July and August for a total of $800.
The enrollment in this offering is capped at 10 participants.
This post is the fourth in a series. If you haven’t read “Waking Up” and “Growing Up – The Descent” and “Growing Up – The Return“, you could to back and read them,, or you could dive in here. This post lays out a large collection of skills, tools and behaviors you can easily incorporate into your life. You might even bookmark this page because there is so much here to chew on.
Each tool is liked to another post that describes the tool, skill or practice in more detail.
Beginner’s mind is a new way to experience learning. It invites you to pretend that you know nothing about the topic and open yourself to the possibility that by doing so, you can learn more deeply.
Curiosity alone is the antidote to tightly held beliefs, and curiosity will make you want to know the other person more deeply.
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Hold Your Beliefs Lightly
Remember that your beliefs may or may not be true. If your beliefs are different from the other’s, that difference alone is a barrier to connection.
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Meditate Daily
Adopt a practice of daily meditation. Don’t expect quick results. It can be very frustrating, and at times you may feel like giving up; but just stick with it.
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Avoid Spiritual Bypassing
Don’t hide from or avoid the pain of waking up by taking a spiritual bypass. It doesn’t work and it’s a waste of precious time and energy.
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Know Thyself
Use every means available to know yourself more deeply, to know your beliefs, your shadows and defenses. Take assessments, sit in circle with others, get counseling or coaching, journal and look deeply into the mirror of who you are.
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Be Appropriately Vulnerable
Vulnerability is a powerful sword with two sharp edges. It can cut through defenses like a warm knife through butter, or it can cut your arm off and destroy the budding relationship by providing too much information too quickly.
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Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light.
Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
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Listen to Understand
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
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Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply?
Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
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Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
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Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt. When you can notice that a pattern is about to trigger a defensive response, choose a different response...one more in line with who you are, your vision, mission and purpose.
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Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming - take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
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Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
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Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
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Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
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Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
RATE...
Express Gratitude
Expressing gratitude builds deeper connection with yourself and with others.
RATE...
Practice Oops, Ouch, Wow!
Take ownership of your mistakes (Oops). Be vulnerable and let someone know they have touched a tender spot (Ouch) and be free with your compliments (Wow!) when someone does something that demonstrates deep connection skills.
RATE...
Fail Early & Often
Failure is an excellent teacher. Learn to welcome and embrace its lessons.
RATE...
Use I-Statements
Use I-Statements as a way of taking responsibility for your words.
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Leave Your Comfort Zone
Stretch your comfort zone and learn to explore the learning zone. It's much more interesting and fun.
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Notice and Choose
This is a simple practice that will help you become more mindful, Simply notice what is going on inside you or outside of you. and make a choice. You are free to make any choice you want and every choice has a consequence. Even not choosing is a choice.
Using this practice, you be able to notice the impact of your choices on yourself and on others. This gives you the power to make different and perhaps better choices. It's completely up to you.
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Ask your waiter's name
Next time you go to a restaurant for a meal, make it a point to ask your waiter's name. Notice their reaction. Address them by their name. You may learn something amazing about this person.
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Let go of needing to be liked
You don't have to impress anybody, and it doesn't work anyway. Just be yourself; Everybody else is taken.
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Seek Beginner’s Mind
Beginner’s mind is a new way to experience learning.
Be Curious About Everything
Curiosity alone is the antidote to tightly held beliefs, and curiosity will make you want to know the other person more deeply.
Hold Your Beliefs Lightly
Remember that your beliefs may or may not be true. If your beliefs are different from the other’s, that difference alone is a barrier to connection.
Meditate Daily
Adopt a practice of daily meditation. Don’t expect quick results. It can be very frustrating, and at times you may feel like giving up; but just stick with it.
Avoid Spiritual Bypassing
Don’t hide from or avoid the pain of waking up by taking a spiritual bypass. It doesn’t work and it’s a waste of precious time and energy.
Seek Out Conscious People
Want to become more conscious? Just spend more time around conscious people and let them rub off on you.
Know Thyself
Use every means available to know yourself more deeply, to know your beliefs, your shadows and defenses. Take assessments, sit in circle with others, get counseling or coaching, journal and look deeply into the mirror of who you are.
Be Appropriately Vulnerable
Vulnerability is a powerful sword with two sharp edges. It can cut through defenses like a warm knife through butter, or it can cut your arm off and destroy the budding relationship by providing too much information too quickly.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light. Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen Deeply
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply? Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Develop the habit of monitoring your intention in every interaction you have. This is actually a form of listening… to yourself.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming – take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
Don’t take in what doesn’t fit. It’s up to you what judgments of others you accept.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light. Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen Deeply
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply? Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Develop the habit of monitoring your intention in every interaction you have. This is actually a form of listening… to yourself.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming – take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
Don’t take in what doesn’t fit. It’s up to you what judgments of others you accept.
Express Gratitude
Expressing gratitude builds deeper connection with yourself and with others.
Practice Oops, Ouch, Wow!
Take ownership of your mistakes (Oops). Be vulnerable and let someone know they have touched a tender spot (Ouch) and be free with your compliments (Wow!) when someone does something that demonstrates deep connection skills.
Fail Early & Often
Failure is an excellent teacher. Learn to welcome and embrace its lessons.
Don’t Take Anything Personally
This is one of “The Four Agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz. “When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
Seek Beginner’s Mind
Beginner’s mind is a new way to experience learning.
Be Curious About Everything
Curiosity alone is the antidote to tightly held beliefs, and curiosity will make you want to know the other person more deeply.
Hold Your Beliefs Lightly
Remember that your beliefs may or may not be true. If your beliefs are different from the other’s, that difference alone is a barrier to connection.
Meditate Daily
Adopt a practice of daily meditation. Don’t expect quick results. It can be very frustrating, and at times you may feel like giving up; but just stick with it.
Avoid Spiritual Bypassing
Don’t hide from or avoid the pain of waking up by taking a spiritual bypass. It doesn’t work and it’s a waste of precious time and energy.
Seek Out Conscious People
Want to become more conscious? Just spend more time around conscious people and let them rub off on you.
Know Thyself
Use every means available to know yourself more deeply, to recognize your beliefs and your shadows and defenses. Take assessments, sit in circle with others, journal, look deeply into the mirror of who you are.
Step out of Your Comfort Zone
Stretch your comfort zone and live in the learning zone. It’s much more fun!
Take Responsibility
Realize that you are able to choose how to respond to any situation, then choose wisely.
Use I-Statements
Use I-statements as a new way of taking responsibility.
Let Go of Needing to be Liked
You don’t have to impress anybody, and it doesn’t work anyhow. Just be yourself. Everybody else is taken.
Express Your Feelings
Own what you feel and speak your feelings appropriately. You can express anger without attacking, sadness without embarrassment, guilt without shame.
Park Your Judgments
A judgment is a discernment plus a trigger. In other words, it’s what you see plus what shadow belief is coloring your discernment. If you are triggered, you are probably projecting, making the other the target of your projection. This is a guaranteed connection buster. If a judgment comes up, simply notice it and park it. If you want to kill connection quickly, just share your judgments.
Be Appropriately Vulnerable
Vulnerability is a powerful sword with two sharp edges. It can cut through defenses like a warm knife through butter, or it can cut your arm off and destroy the budding relationship by providing too much information too quickly.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light. Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen Deeply
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply? Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Develop the habit of monitoring your intention in every interaction you have. This is actually a form of listening… to yourself.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming – take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
Don’t take in what doesn’t fit. It’s up to you what judgments of others you accept.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light. Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen Deeply
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply? Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Develop the habit of monitoring your intention in every interaction you have. This is actually a form of listening… to yourself.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming – take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
Don’t take in what doesn’t fit. It’s up to you what judgments of others you accept.
Express Gratitude
Expressing gratitude builds deeper connection with yourself and with others.
Practice Oops, Ouch, Wow!
Take ownership of your mistakes (Oops). Be vulnerable and let someone know they have touched a tender spot (Ouch) and be free with your compliments (Wow!) when someone does something that demonstrates deep connection skills.
Fail Early & Often
Failure is an excellent teacher. Learn to welcome and embrace its lessons.
Don’t Take Anything Personally
This is one of “The Four Agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz. “When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
