Tools for a Happier Life
This post is the fourth in a series. If you haven’t read “Waking Up” and “Growing Up – The Descent” and “Growing Up – The Return“, you could to back and read them,, or you could dive in here. This post lays out a large collection of skills, tools and behaviors you can easily incorporate into your life. You might even bookmark this page because there is so much here to chew on.
Each tool is liked to another post that describes the tool, skill or practice in more detail.
Seek Beginner’s Mind
Beginner’s mind is a new way to experience learning. It invites you to pretend that you know nothing about the topic and open yourself to the possibility that by doing so, you can learn more deeply.
Be Curious About Everything
Curiosity alone is the antidote to tightly held beliefs, and curiosity will make you want to know the other person more deeply.
Hold Your Beliefs Lightly
Remember that your beliefs may or may not be true. If your beliefs are different from the other’s, that difference alone is a barrier to connection.
Meditate Daily
Adopt a practice of daily meditation. Don’t expect quick results. It can be very frustrating, and at times you may feel like giving up; but just stick with it.
Avoid Spiritual Bypassing
Don’t hide from or avoid the pain of waking up by taking a spiritual bypass. It doesn’t work and it’s a waste of precious time and energy.
Know Thyself
Use every means available to know yourself more deeply, to know your beliefs, your shadows and defenses. Take assessments, sit in circle with others, get counseling or coaching, journal and look deeply into the mirror of who you are.
Be Appropriately Vulnerable
Vulnerability is a powerful sword with two sharp edges. It can cut through defenses like a warm knife through butter, or it can cut your arm off and destroy the budding relationship by providing too much information too quickly.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light.
Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen to Understand
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply?
Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt. When you can notice that a pattern is about to trigger a defensive response, choose a different response...one more in line with who you are, your vision, mission and purpose.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming - take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Express Gratitude
Expressing gratitude builds deeper connection with yourself and with others.
Practice Oops, Ouch, Wow!
Take ownership of your mistakes (Oops). Be vulnerable and let someone know they have touched a tender spot (Ouch) and be free with your compliments (Wow!) when someone does something that demonstrates deep connection skills.
Fail Early & Often
Failure is an excellent teacher. Learn to welcome and embrace its lessons.
Use I-Statements
Use I-Statements as a way of taking responsibility for your words.
Leave Your Comfort Zone
Stretch your comfort zone and learn to explore the learning zone. It's much more interesting and fun.
Notice and Choose
This is a simple practice that will help you become more mindful, Simply notice what is going on inside you or outside of you. and make a choice. You are free to make any choice you want and every choice has a consequence. Even not choosing is a choice.
Using this practice, you be able to notice the impact of your choices on yourself and on others. This gives you the power to make different and perhaps better choices. It's completely up to you.
Ask your waiter's name
Next time you go to a restaurant for a meal, make it a point to ask your waiter's name. Notice their reaction. Address them by their name. You may learn something amazing about this person.
Let go of needing to be liked
You don't have to impress anybody, and it doesn't work anyway. Just be yourself; Everybody else is taken.
Seek Beginner’s Mind
Beginner’s mind is a new way to experience learning. It invites you to pretend that you know nothing about the topic and open yourself to the possibility that by doing so, you can learn more deeply.
Be Curious About Everything
Curiosity alone is the antidote to tightly held beliefs, and curiosity will make you want to know the other person more deeply.
Hold Your Beliefs Lightly
Remember that your beliefs may or may not be true. If your beliefs are different from the other’s, that difference alone is a barrier to connection.
Meditate Daily
Adopt a practice of daily meditation. Don’t expect quick results. It can be very frustrating, and at times you may feel like giving up; but just stick with it.
Avoid Spiritual Bypassing
Don’t hide from or avoid the pain of waking up by taking a spiritual bypass. It doesn’t work and it’s a waste of precious time and energy.
Know Thyself
Use every means available to know yourself more deeply, to know your beliefs, your shadows and defenses. Take assessments, sit in circle with others, get counseling or coaching, journal and look deeply into the mirror of who you are.
Be Appropriately Vulnerable
Vulnerability is a powerful sword with two sharp edges. It can cut through defenses like a warm knife through butter, or it can cut your arm off and destroy the budding relationship by providing too much information too quickly.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light.
Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen to Understand
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply?
Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt. When you can notice that a pattern is about to trigger a defensive response, choose a different response...one more in line with who you are, your vision, mission and purpose.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming - take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Express Gratitude
Expressing gratitude builds deeper connection with yourself and with others.
Practice Oops, Ouch, Wow!
Take ownership of your mistakes (Oops). Be vulnerable and let someone know they have touched a tender spot (Ouch) and be free with your compliments (Wow!) when someone does something that demonstrates deep connection skills.
Fail Early & Often
Failure is an excellent teacher. Learn to welcome and embrace its lessons.
Use I-Statements
Use I-Statements as a way of taking responsibility for your words.
Leave Your Comfort Zone
Stretch your comfort zone and learn to explore the learning zone. It's much more interesting and fun.
Notice and Choose
This is a simple practice that will help you become more mindful, Simply notice what is going on inside you or outside of you. and make a choice. You are free to make any choice you want and every choice has a consequence. Even not choosing is a choice.
Using this practice, you be able to notice the impact of your choices on yourself and on others. This gives you the power to make different and perhaps better choices. It's completely up to you.
Ask your waiter's name
Next time you go to a restaurant for a meal, make it a point to ask your waiter's name. Notice their reaction. Address them by their name. You may learn something amazing about this person.
Let go of needing to be liked
You don't have to impress anybody, and it doesn't work anyway. Just be yourself; Everybody else is taken.
Seek Beginner’s Mind
Beginner’s mind is a new way to experience learning.
Be Curious About Everything
Curiosity alone is the antidote to tightly held beliefs, and curiosity will make you want to know the other person more deeply.
Hold Your Beliefs Lightly
Remember that your beliefs may or may not be true. If your beliefs are different from the other’s, that difference alone is a barrier to connection.
Meditate Daily
Adopt a practice of daily meditation. Don’t expect quick results. It can be very frustrating, and at times you may feel like giving up; but just stick with it.
Avoid Spiritual Bypassing
Don’t hide from or avoid the pain of waking up by taking a spiritual bypass. It doesn’t work and it’s a waste of precious time and energy.
Seek Out Conscious People
Want to become more conscious? Just spend more time around conscious people and let them rub off on you.
Know Thyself
Use every means available to know yourself more deeply, to know your beliefs, your shadows and defenses. Take assessments, sit in circle with others, get counseling or coaching, journal and look deeply into the mirror of who you are.
Be Appropriately Vulnerable
Vulnerability is a powerful sword with two sharp edges. It can cut through defenses like a warm knife through butter, or it can cut your arm off and destroy the budding relationship by providing too much information too quickly.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light.
Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen Deeply
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply?
Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Develop the habit of monitoring your intention in every interaction you have. This is actually a form of listening… to yourself.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming – take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
Don’t take in what doesn’t fit. It’s up to you what judgments of others you accept.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light.
Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen Deeply
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply?
Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Develop the habit of monitoring your intention in every interaction you have. This is actually a form of listening… to yourself.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming – take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
Don’t take in what doesn’t fit. It’s up to you what judgments of others you accept.
Express Gratitude
Expressing gratitude builds deeper connection with yourself and with others.
Practice Oops, Ouch, Wow!
Take ownership of your mistakes (Oops). Be vulnerable and let someone know they have touched a tender spot (Ouch) and be free with your compliments (Wow!) when someone does something that demonstrates deep connection skills.
Fail Early & Often
Failure is an excellent teacher. Learn to welcome and embrace its lessons.
Don’t Take Anything Personally
This is one of “The Four Agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz.
“When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
Seek Beginner’s Mind
Beginner’s mind is a new way to experience learning.
Be Curious About Everything
Curiosity alone is the antidote to tightly held beliefs, and curiosity will make you want to know the other person more deeply.
Hold Your Beliefs Lightly
Remember that your beliefs may or may not be true. If your beliefs are different from the other’s, that difference alone is a barrier to connection.
Meditate Daily
Adopt a practice of daily meditation. Don’t expect quick results. It can be very frustrating, and at times you may feel like giving up; but just stick with it.
Avoid Spiritual Bypassing
Don’t hide from or avoid the pain of waking up by taking a spiritual bypass. It doesn’t work and it’s a waste of precious time and energy.
Seek Out Conscious People
Want to become more conscious? Just spend more time around conscious people and let them rub off on you.
Know Thyself
Use every means available to know yourself more deeply, to recognize your beliefs and your shadows and defenses. Take assessments, sit in circle with others, journal, look deeply into the mirror of who you are.
Step out of Your Comfort Zone
Stretch your comfort zone and live in the learning zone. It’s much more fun!
Take Responsibility
Realize that you are able to choose how to respond to any situation, then choose wisely.
Use I-Statements
Use I-statements as a new way of taking responsibility.
Let Go of Needing to be Liked
You don’t have to impress anybody, and it doesn’t work anyhow. Just be yourself. Everybody else is taken.
Express Your Feelings
Own what you feel and speak your feelings appropriately. You can express anger without attacking, sadness without embarrassment, guilt without shame.
Park Your Judgments
A judgment is a discernment plus a trigger. In other words, it’s what you see plus what shadow belief is coloring your discernment. If you are triggered, you are probably projecting, making the other the target of your projection. This is a guaranteed connection buster. If a judgment comes up, simply notice it and park it. If you want to kill connection quickly, just share your judgments.
Be Appropriately Vulnerable
Vulnerability is a powerful sword with two sharp edges. It can cut through defenses like a warm knife through butter, or it can cut your arm off and destroy the budding relationship by providing too much information too quickly.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light.
Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen Deeply
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply?
Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Develop the habit of monitoring your intention in every interaction you have. This is actually a form of listening… to yourself.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming – take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
Don’t take in what doesn’t fit. It’s up to you what judgments of others you accept.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light.
Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen Deeply
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply?
Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Develop the habit of monitoring your intention in every interaction you have. This is actually a form of listening… to yourself.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming – take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
Don’t take in what doesn’t fit. It’s up to you what judgments of others you accept.
Express Gratitude
Expressing gratitude builds deeper connection with yourself and with others.
Practice Oops, Ouch, Wow!
Take ownership of your mistakes (Oops). Be vulnerable and let someone know they have touched a tender spot (Ouch) and be free with your compliments (Wow!) when someone does something that demonstrates deep connection skills.
Fail Early & Often
Failure is an excellent teacher. Learn to welcome and embrace its lessons.
Don’t Take Anything Personally
This is one of “The Four Agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz.
“When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”