Tools for a Happier Life
This post is the fourth in a series. If you haven’t read “Waking Up” and “Growing Up – The Descent” and “Growing Up – The Return“, you could to back and read them,, or you could dive in here. This post lays out a large collection of skills, tools and behaviors you can easily incorporate into your life. You might even bookmark this page because there is so much here to chew on.
Each tool is liked to another post that describes the tool, skill or practice in more detail.
Seek Beginner’s Mind
Beginner’s mind is a new way to experience learning. It invites you to pretend that you know nothing about the topic and open yourself to the possibility that by doing so, you can learn more deeply.
Know Thyself
Use every means available to know yourself more deeply, to know your beliefs, your shadows and defenses. Take assessments, sit in circle with others, get counseling or coaching, journal and look deeply into the mirror of who you are.
Be Curious About Everything
Curiosity alone is the antidote to tightly held beliefs, and curiosity will make you want to know the other person more deeply.
Hold Your Beliefs Lightly
Remember that your beliefs may or may not be true. If your beliefs are different from the other’s, that difference alone is a barrier to connection.
Surround yourself with conscious people
Invite in people who inspire you. Form a support network of people who can help you learn and grow You may may need to create space in your life by letting go of people who hold you back. If you notice that some of your long term friends no longer interest you, don't put much energy into nurturing those relationships. Instead, put your energy into finding and making connections with the people who inspire you.
Avoid Spiritual Bypassing
Don’t hide from or avoid the pain of waking up by taking a spiritual bypass. It doesn’t work and it’s a waste of precious time and energy.
Take Self-Assessments
Knowing yourself can be accelerated by taking self-assessments. Some of the more common ones are:
- Myers-Briggs Type Assessment (MBTI)
- Enneagram
- DISC
Perhaps the best I have found so far is the CORE Map
What's your love language?
Do you know how you recognize being loved? Which do you appreciate most:
- words of affirmation(compliments)
- quality time
- giving gifts
- acts of service
- physical touch
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Meditate Daily
Adopt a practice of daily meditation. Don’t expect quick results. It can be very frustrating, and at times you may feel like giving up; but just stick with it.
Leave Your Comfort Zone
Stretch your comfort zone and learn to explore the learning zone. It's much more interesting and fun.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Let go of the person you SHOULD be!
If you are holding onto any beliefs about the person you should be, let them go. Do this by journaling about the mythical person and what that person should be like. Be very detailed. Fill at least one page. When you have completed this, read it out loud and listen carefully to how realistic this belief set is. Do you really want to set yourself up for the absurd? Are you trying to be something that isn't you? You may even read it to several people close to you to get their reactions.
When you are ready to let go of this version of yourself that is in no way the real you, you may (carefully and with appropriate ritual) set it on fire and let it burn. Dispose of he ashes in a good way.
Make an inventory of your limiting beliefs
In your journal, make a list of the limiting beliefs you hold. This may be difficult to complete, so spread this over time.
Start each belief on a separate line. Begin each belief with the words, "I believe I am..."
Fore each belief, ask yourself, "What belief is under this belief?" Say to yourself, "Go deeper"
When you have a relatively complete list, it will be time to let them go. Your coach will know how to help you do this.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Does your live language cause clashes with your partner?
Did you take the Love Languages assessment? If you are in relationship. did your partner take the same assessment? Do your love languages match or differ from your partners? How have any differences impacted your relationship?
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming - take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light.
Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Learn to laugh at yourself
Can you laugh at your own mistakes? Although some mistakes may have serious consequences, most mistakes are little ones and don't merit critical self-judgment. When you make such a mistake, find the humor in it and have fun with it. Then ask yourself what you learned from making that mistake.
Every mistake is a learning opportunity.
Become the Person You Want To Be
Are you the person you want to be right now? If not, what is stopping you?
Start the next moment NOW by visualizing the person you want to become. Journal about this person. Draw pictures if his or her life. Be specific. What are you doing? Who supports you in this process? What are you working to accomplish?
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply?
Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Be Appropriately Vulnerable
Vulnerability is a powerful sword with two sharp edges. It can cut through defenses like a warm knife through butter, or it can cut your arm off and destroy the budding relationship by providing too much information too quickly.
Park your judgments
A judgment is a discernment plus a trigger. In other words, it's what you see plus whatever shadow belief is coloring your discernment. If you are triggered, you are probably projecting and making the other the target of your projection. This is a guaranteed connection buster. Instead, if judgment comes up, simply notice it and park it.
If you want to kill connection quickly, share your judgments.
Take Responsibility
Realize that you are able to choose how you respond to any situation, then choose wisely.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Seek Beginner’s Mind
Beginner’s mind is a new way to experience learning. It invites you to pretend that you know nothing about the topic and open yourself to the possibility that by doing so, you can learn more deeply.
Know Thyself
Use every means available to know yourself more deeply, to know your beliefs, your shadows and defenses. Take assessments, sit in circle with others, get counseling or coaching, journal and look deeply into the mirror of who you are.
Be Curious About Everything
Curiosity alone is the antidote to tightly held beliefs, and curiosity will make you want to know the other person more deeply.
Hold Your Beliefs Lightly
Remember that your beliefs may or may not be true. If your beliefs are different from the other’s, that difference alone is a barrier to connection.
Surround yourself with conscious people
Invite in people who inspire you. Form a support network of people who can help you learn and grow You may may need to create space in your life by letting go of people who hold you back. If you notice that some of your long term friends no longer interest you, don't put much energy into nurturing those relationships. Instead, put your energy into finding and making connections with the people who inspire you.
Avoid Spiritual Bypassing
Don’t hide from or avoid the pain of waking up by taking a spiritual bypass. It doesn’t work and it’s a waste of precious time and energy.
Take Self-Assessments
Knowing yourself can be accelerated by taking self-assessments. Some of the more common ones are:
- Myers-Briggs Type Assessment (MBTI)
- Enneagram
- DISC
Perhaps the best I have found so far is the CORE Map
What's your love language?
Do you know how you recognize being loved? Which do you appreciate most:
- words of affirmation(compliments)
- quality time
- giving gifts
- acts of service
- physical touch
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Meditate Daily
Adopt a practice of daily meditation. Don’t expect quick results. It can be very frustrating, and at times you may feel like giving up; but just stick with it.
Leave Your Comfort Zone
Stretch your comfort zone and learn to explore the learning zone. It's much more interesting and fun.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Let go of the person you SHOULD be!
If you are holding onto any beliefs about the person you should be, let them go. Do this by journaling about the mythical person and what that person should be like. Be very detailed. Fill at least one page. When you have completed this, read it out loud and listen carefully to how realistic this belief set is. Do you really want to set yourself up for the absurd? Are you trying to be something that isn't you? You may even read it to several people close to you to get their reactions.
When you are ready to let go of this version of yourself that is in no way the real you, you may (carefully and with appropriate ritual) set it on fire and let it burn. Dispose of he ashes in a good way.
Make an inventory of your limiting beliefs
In your journal, make a list of the limiting beliefs you hold. This may be difficult to complete, so spread this over time.
Start each belief on a separate line. Begin each belief with the words, "I believe I am..."
Fore each belief, ask yourself, "What belief is under this belief?" Say to yourself, "Go deeper"
When you have a relatively complete list, it will be time to let them go. Your coach will know how to help you do this.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Does your live language cause clashes with your partner?
Did you take the Love Languages assessment? If you are in relationship. did your partner take the same assessment? Do your love languages match or differ from your partners? How have any differences impacted your relationship?
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming - take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light.
Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Learn to laugh at yourself
Can you laugh at your own mistakes? Although some mistakes may have serious consequences, most mistakes are little ones and don't merit critical self-judgment. When you make such a mistake, find the humor in it and have fun with it. Then ask yourself what you learned from making that mistake.
Every mistake is a learning opportunity.
Become the Person You Want To Be
Are you the person you want to be right now? If not, what is stopping you?
Start the next moment NOW by visualizing the person you want to become. Journal about this person. Draw pictures if his or her life. Be specific. What are you doing? Who supports you in this process? What are you working to accomplish?
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply?
Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Be Appropriately Vulnerable
Vulnerability is a powerful sword with two sharp edges. It can cut through defenses like a warm knife through butter, or it can cut your arm off and destroy the budding relationship by providing too much information too quickly.
Park your judgments
A judgment is a discernment plus a trigger. In other words, it's what you see plus whatever shadow belief is coloring your discernment. If you are triggered, you are probably projecting and making the other the target of your projection. This is a guaranteed connection buster. Instead, if judgment comes up, simply notice it and park it.
If you want to kill connection quickly, share your judgments.
Take Responsibility
Realize that you are able to choose how you respond to any situation, then choose wisely.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Seek Beginner’s Mind
Beginner’s mind is a new way to experience learning.
Be Curious About Everything
Curiosity alone is the antidote to tightly held beliefs, and curiosity will make you want to know the other person more deeply.
Hold Your Beliefs Lightly
Remember that your beliefs may or may not be true. If your beliefs are different from the other’s, that difference alone is a barrier to connection.
Meditate Daily
Adopt a practice of daily meditation. Don’t expect quick results. It can be very frustrating, and at times you may feel like giving up; but just stick with it.
Avoid Spiritual Bypassing
Don’t hide from or avoid the pain of waking up by taking a spiritual bypass. It doesn’t work and it’s a waste of precious time and energy.
Seek Out Conscious People
Want to become more conscious? Just spend more time around conscious people and let them rub off on you.
Know Thyself
Use every means available to know yourself more deeply, to know your beliefs, your shadows and defenses. Take assessments, sit in circle with others, get counseling or coaching, journal and look deeply into the mirror of who you are.
Be Appropriately Vulnerable
Vulnerability is a powerful sword with two sharp edges. It can cut through defenses like a warm knife through butter, or it can cut your arm off and destroy the budding relationship by providing too much information too quickly.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light.
Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen Deeply
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply?
Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Develop the habit of monitoring your intention in every interaction you have. This is actually a form of listening… to yourself.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming – take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
Don’t take in what doesn’t fit. It’s up to you what judgments of others you accept.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light.
Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen Deeply
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply?
Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Develop the habit of monitoring your intention in every interaction you have. This is actually a form of listening… to yourself.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming – take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
Don’t take in what doesn’t fit. It’s up to you what judgments of others you accept.
Express Gratitude
Expressing gratitude builds deeper connection with yourself and with others.
Practice Oops, Ouch, Wow!
Take ownership of your mistakes (Oops). Be vulnerable and let someone know they have touched a tender spot (Ouch) and be free with your compliments (Wow!) when someone does something that demonstrates deep connection skills.
Fail Early & Often
Failure is an excellent teacher. Learn to welcome and embrace its lessons.
Don’t Take Anything Personally
This is one of “The Four Agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz.
“When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
Seek Beginner’s Mind
Beginner’s mind is a new way to experience learning.
Be Curious About Everything
Curiosity alone is the antidote to tightly held beliefs, and curiosity will make you want to know the other person more deeply.
Hold Your Beliefs Lightly
Remember that your beliefs may or may not be true. If your beliefs are different from the other’s, that difference alone is a barrier to connection.
Meditate Daily
Adopt a practice of daily meditation. Don’t expect quick results. It can be very frustrating, and at times you may feel like giving up; but just stick with it.
Avoid Spiritual Bypassing
Don’t hide from or avoid the pain of waking up by taking a spiritual bypass. It doesn’t work and it’s a waste of precious time and energy.
Seek Out Conscious People
Want to become more conscious? Just spend more time around conscious people and let them rub off on you.
Know Thyself
Use every means available to know yourself more deeply, to recognize your beliefs and your shadows and defenses. Take assessments, sit in circle with others, journal, look deeply into the mirror of who you are.
Step out of Your Comfort Zone
Stretch your comfort zone and live in the learning zone. It’s much more fun!
Take Responsibility
Realize that you are able to choose how to respond to any situation, then choose wisely.
Use I-Statements
Use I-statements as a new way of taking responsibility.
Let Go of Needing to be Liked
You don’t have to impress anybody, and it doesn’t work anyhow. Just be yourself. Everybody else is taken.
Express Your Feelings
Own what you feel and speak your feelings appropriately. You can express anger without attacking, sadness without embarrassment, guilt without shame.
Park Your Judgments
A judgment is a discernment plus a trigger. In other words, it’s what you see plus what shadow belief is coloring your discernment. If you are triggered, you are probably projecting, making the other the target of your projection. This is a guaranteed connection buster. If a judgment comes up, simply notice it and park it. If you want to kill connection quickly, just share your judgments.
Be Appropriately Vulnerable
Vulnerability is a powerful sword with two sharp edges. It can cut through defenses like a warm knife through butter, or it can cut your arm off and destroy the budding relationship by providing too much information too quickly.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light.
Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen Deeply
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply?
Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Develop the habit of monitoring your intention in every interaction you have. This is actually a form of listening… to yourself.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming – take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
Don’t take in what doesn’t fit. It’s up to you what judgments of others you accept.
Invite Your Shadows to Tea
You can’t kill your shadows, but you can integrate them by inviting them into the light.
Remember, it is highly likely that those around you can see the shadows you don’t see.
Listen Deeply
Listening deeply is “witnessing” the other and seeing the other without judgment. This is truly a form of blessing and contributes to authentic connection.
Notice Your Inner Process
Notice what is going on inside you. Are you triggered? Are you on the Victim Triangle? Are you listening deeply?
Noticing is the essential key that opens the lock of self-awareness.
Pay Attention to Intention
This advice is especially important for extroverts who need to be seen. Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “What is my intention?” Do a quick body scan and see if there is a signal in your body that correlates with needing attention. If that signal is present, probably better to zip your lip.
Develop the habit of monitoring your intention in every interaction you have. This is actually a form of listening… to yourself.
Interrupt Harmful Patterns
Develop a habit of using the Pattern Interrupt.
Get off the Victim Triangle
No blaming – take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.
Own Your Triggers
If you are triggered by someone else, it’s typically your projection of some wound you took on as a child. Look deeply into your past to discover what belief about yourself that doesn’t serve you is still driving you. Own it and clean it up.
Drop Your Defenses
Develop awareness of your defenses and what triggers them. Learn to drop them if and when you want to connect. Defenses are often boundaries that have been set unconsciously.
Accept Yourself As You Are
This is required for others to truly accept you as you are. It’s called self-compassion and it may be your hardest challenge.
Focus on Substance instead of Form
Form is just the wrapping paper. Substance is the gift hidden beneath the wrapping. Focus not on the wrapping, but on the gift, no matter what its form.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
Don’t take in what doesn’t fit. It’s up to you what judgments of others you accept.
Express Gratitude
Expressing gratitude builds deeper connection with yourself and with others.
Practice Oops, Ouch, Wow!
Take ownership of your mistakes (Oops). Be vulnerable and let someone know they have touched a tender spot (Ouch) and be free with your compliments (Wow!) when someone does something that demonstrates deep connection skills.
Fail Early & Often
Failure is an excellent teacher. Learn to welcome and embrace its lessons.
Don’t Take Anything Personally
This is one of “The Four Agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz.
“When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”